Another week, another mood…or two
I feel like my moods are a bit of Russian roulette at the moment. When will the gun go off?
Last Friday, after an anxious week of worrying about the fact my contract had been pushed back a week, I decided to walk to my counselling session. I am well versed by now in self-care, but I am not well versed in the art of patience. I know doing some gentle exercise will help my mindset, but during my walk, I didn’t feel ecstatically after 5 minutes, so I spent the first part of the walk feeling pretty miserable, wishing I had just driven instead. During my walk, the first glimmer of light came about 15 minutes in when I saw this little patch of wildflowers growing by the side of the road. I hadn’t noticed it whilst driving and just seeing that, made me feel a little bit happier.
Just as I was about 5 minutes from my session, the joy of flowers now forgotten, I got a text from my friend, I had referred her for a role on the same contract as me and she had got the job. I was so happy! We would be working together again, for the fourth time! We messaged back and forth and she told me she was starting on the 30th of May. It then occurred to me that I could now start earlier, there had been two start dates offered but I hadn’t been able to as I thought I would have been working my notice period. I quickly emailed the recruiter to see if I could start earlier, before going into my therapy session a bit happier.
I spoke to my therapist about the anxiety I had experienced, my finding it difficult to accept the husband covering my costs and my total and utter frustration at being so close to paying off my debt. I left the session, feeling lighter, as always.
I’d missed a call by seconds from the recruiter, I called back but she was on a call, I spent the rest of the afternoon, checking my emails and phone. I sent a chaser email, and I called back but there was no response. I couldn’t relax, I needed them to confirm that I could start earlier, this would mean that my finances wouldn’t be disrupted and I could get that debt paid off by July before we go on holiday.
I finally got through at 4:30, we discussed me starting earlier, and she seemed positive, she just needed to check with the project manager. More waiting, I need to get ready as I was going out for dinner with the girls but I just needed to know, I wanted a reason to celebrate and also not to worry about what I was spending.
At 5 pm, she called back. The cut off for the first start date had closed at 10 am this morning and also, my start date had been pushed back another week. The anxiety bubbled back up like a volcano. I thanked her and rushed off the phone.
I wailed to the husband, trying very hard not to cry. After an entire week of trying to placate me, the husband continued to remind me that it was nothing to worry about. I would not and could not be consoled, I had never been in this position, I hadn’t relied on anyone for money for so long, it felt like a massive failing on my part and my debt would now take longer to pay off. The flood gates burst open and I went upstairs to have a particularly epic cry.
I had just finished crying and sat down to get ready, the taxi was coming for me in just over an hour and I needed to do something with my face. My friend called to find out if I was picking her up on the way and I gave her the brief highlights of my woes after a chat, I felt a bit better, poured myself a glass of wine, got myself ready and managed to enjoy my evening.
I woke up fairly early on Saturday, the reality hit and I shut myself in the sanctuary to look at my budget planner, determined to get some positive out of this. I managed to work out that with the husband getting the weekly shop, I could manage and even have a small amount left over for myself each week. I felt a lot better about everything, which was good, we had a really busy day ahead, we were meeting the husband's friend and his girlfriend for lunch and then going on to the besties for a pool party, although I certainly would not be getting in a swimsuit.
We headed out just before 12 and I was drinking my first glass of rose by 12:15, which I was later to realise was a big mistake. We had a nice lunch and went to a pub so the boys could watch the FA cup final. I was getting conscious of the time that we should be getting to the besties, then the football went into extra time and I couldn’t take any more football, I ordered a cab and off we went, the husband managing to pick the last of the game up when we got there.
The besties house, as always, looked amazing. They had recently had the garden done and a swimming pool added. I walked around saying hello to everyone and eventually found the bestie, where I skidded along the floor almost crashing into her! I made my way to the outside bar where I was given my 100th glass of rose of the day. I don’t think I could drink anymore and I felt exhausted. The stress and alcohol had finally caught up with me so I asked the husband to call a cab. I went home, made us some cheese on toast and put myself to bed.
I somehow managed to lie in until 10 am on Sunday, I never do this. I was somehow still so tired and feeling bad at having left the besties so early. The husband and I had a lazy Sunday, watching films and eating crap, we hadn’t done this in ages.
There was another lie in on Monday until 9 am. I had promised myself that I would get out for a walk first thing, so I jumped in the shower and headed to the shop to pick up some bits for lunch, I felt like a zombie. I spent the day meal planning, I want to eat more healthy, feel more energised and hopefully shift some pounds. I still felt crap though and despite doing several “self-care” activities, I found myself snapping at the husband and generally hating everything. I took myself to bed early to give the poor husband a break. Tomorrow is another day.
Tomorrow was another day, unfortunately, it was a worse day. I found myself crying in the morning over salmon fillets (don’t ask) I walked to the shop again for some exercise and plonked myself in the garden to write my newsletter, hoping that the sun's rays would penetrate my icy mood.
Late that afternoon, when I was attempting to help the husband move some furniture, we are having a new carpet put in the boy's bedroom, the house was once again upside down. All of a sudden, I felt some pressure on those flood gates, I took myself downstairs for another epic cry, for no apparent reason at all. The husband, innocently on his way to get a drink, happened upon my silent sobbing and tried to soothe me.
The crying helped, and I felt a bit better afterwards, I made us some dinner and thought about my week so far, I decided that writing a newsletter on a Tuesday was probably not right for me, I felt that after a busy weekend, I felt rushed into producing it, so I thought about changing my writing schedule.
I finally broke the cycle on Wednesday, waking up at 5 am. I lie in bed listening to a podcast through my sleep mask, when I finally lifted my mask, the first thing I saw was Toby laying by my feet, he gave me a meow in his quiet morning voice and got up. I took Toby into the garden to top up the bird feeder, it was a beautiful blue sky such a nice way to start the day. I decided to post on my page about changing my schedule, I hate change so I don't like springing it on others. I also posted a survey on my pages, to get some feedback. (If you haven't completed it, you can here, I would love it if you did, it's anonymous and only takes 2 minutes. I will be posting the results next week)
I head to Zoes to get my lashes done and hit home bargains, I only went in for some storage boxes and birdseed and ended up spending £30! I came home and made us some lunch, cooking is a good self-care activity for me and I do enjoy it. I then sat in the garden and wrote my medium article (finally) and caught up on some messages. The husband and I also booked a weekend away for our anniversary next week.
Despite the house being upside down, I had a much better day, I went to bed feeling relieved.
Yesterday, I managed another early start, I have decided I am better with less sleep! I caught up with a program I had started watching the night before, a true-crime program called "What happened to Aunt Diane" although I was left feeling none the wiser as to what had gone on when it finished.
All week, I have been batting away the thought that this job is not going to happen, I keep trying to bury it but I am hoping that by writing it down here, I can get it out of my head. Oddly, the sense of panic isn't the same as a delay in the start date, but maybe that's because I don't truly believe it will happen. Maybe I have finally realised that I cannot do anything about things that are out of my control, later that morning, my thoughts are confirmed when I receive an email from project happiness, showing the following quote.
I guess what will be will be, I'm sure if that happens what will be is another meltdown from me. How about that for a quote!
