Saturday 13th April
Wake up on the sofa, its 2:30am, waves of disappointment washing over me still annoyed with myself about drinking yesterday.
Take myself up to bed to sleep some more. Wake up 5 hours later, feel like I’ve cheated on myself. Must move forward from this, won't change anything, it’s done. I can and will redeem myself.
Driving to see the parents, Spend the entire hours journey feeling defeated, what’s the point? I’m clearly not capable of doing this. At the end of the journey I mentally slap myself, I still drank a lot less than last week, more importantly I’m aware and mindful of the situation, small steps (and measures of gin) going forward.
Now off to my friends house for the night, we have a girls night in every 6 weeks or so, get in our PJs, get takeaway, watch horror & gossip we also don’t have alcohol, we save our calories for food!
This is needed, its taking my mind off the black cloud of shame that had been following me around all day, need to remember this feeling, this is the whole point of writing all this down, so I can remember how shite it makes me feel and learn from it. Let’s hope I still remember how to learn!
Even though I didn’t have a late night last night, my sleep was still disturbed, Feel tired & groggy so take myself off up to bed at 10:30, try to read but my eyes don't want to stay open. Night!
Sunday 14th April
Had such a good sleep at my friend’s house, really unusual, don’t normally sleep well when I’m not at home, come to think of it I don’t sleep particularly well at home!
So nice to just laze around for a couple of hours drinking tea, especially tea I didn’t have to make myself! Decided to head home about 10:30 am, let the husband know I'm on my way and enjoyed the nice easy drive back.
Breezed through the traffic lights, in rather a good mood, another day off drinking has done me good.
Walked into the kitchen ready to make myself some breakfast, hadn’t eaten yet. Boom. The entire kitchen side is covered in dirty plates, bowls & glasses, only been gone 24 hours WTF, really not impressed.
Ensure the husband is aware of said anger - apparently he didn’t have time - which is odd as I managed to empty & reload the dishwasher, wipe down all the kitchen sides, wash all the mugs & glasses that can’t go in the dishwasher and make myself breakfast in 30 minutes, I must have magical powers?
He took the kids swimming yesterday, so the dirty trunks & towels are obviously just plonked in front of the washing machine, perhaps the washing machine is broken or the laundry basket has disappeared? Nope apparently not, I think they’re just sat there waiting for more magic to happen, I wonder if this magic will allow me to eat 10 doughnuts and lose weight. Maybe if I lie down somewhere in my kitchen I too will be rejuvenated and put to bed?
Going to get out my of this negative mood and go run myself a bath.
Bath, hair mask & face mask done, house is clean and tidy, now chilling with a cup of tea, thinking how the bloody hell am I going to lose two stone in 4 weeks???? I’m bloody not am I, not going to give up, must keep soldiering on, I may not lose that 2 stone in 4 weeks but I’ll get it shifted eventually if it’s the last bloody thing I do. The cutting back on drinking should help quite a bit.
The evening is setting in, now starting to want a glass of something, think its boredom, hoping the husband doesn’t come home and crack open the wine, not sure I have the strength to refuse. Why do I want alcohol? Why not tea? Why not water? Why does it have to be something that’s bad for me? Why can’t I crave salads? Wonder if you can get hypnotised to change your tastes. Make me hate pies & chocolate! Make me crave vegetables and lean meat! Now I’m getting agitated and I don’t even know why!!
Distract myself by preparing lunch for tomorrow, chicken & veg (snore) husband comes home, he’s having beer (thank god) Desire to drink has gone again, glad I didn’t cave in!
Cheese on toast for dinner, Husband asks if I want a glass of wine (I do) but said no. Yay me! I AM capable of saying no, there was me thinking it had fallen out of my vocabulary.