Its been a busy couple of weeks, mostly celebrating my birthday, in my usual manner, drinking gallons of wine. There were brunches, lunches, dinners, drinks and an overnight stay in a safari park, it was all very enjoyable (what I can remember anyway) but I've been becoming increasingly aware of something. I drink far too much. I know for some of you who know me are probably thinking "no shit Sherlock" I am stating the obvious, but I have finally had to admit to myself that I do have an issue with alcohol and more importantly, I want to do something about it.
I was out with a friend a couple of weeks ago and he had taken another friend to an alcoholics anonymous meeting as he was concerned about him. He told me it was a real eye opener and nothing like it's portrayed on TV. People were living normal lives, weren't necessarily having a glass of vodka with their cornflakes, yet they do have an issue with alcohol. It actually put my friend off of drinking and he was only going for support. Since then I am continually seeing articles about drinking, alcoholism, drink problems etc and I really feel like someone is sending me a sign. I am seeing this stuff daily for gods sake!
I have convinced myself previously that people with alcohol issues are incoherent, aggressive, loud and smell of wee, this can't be me! People are always saying that when they've seen me out they didn't even realise I was drunk, I mean I don't even get hangovers?! No ones ever told me I smell of wee? But the reality of that, whilst it may seem like a good thing, is that its more likely to be that I have built up a tolerance to alcohol over years and that is not good. I have however suffered from regular blackouts, sometimes after only a small amount of alcohol, suffered from the shakes after a few days of consistent drinking, Stomach upsets, disturbed sleep and night sweats, which I recently learned, is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal. I am honestly quite ashamed, how did I get here?
10 years ago, I barely drank, I would go out and have a drink, but I would never drink at home, I could go out to dinner without having a glass of wine, it never crossed my mind. I drank like a normal person, I could take it or leave it. I think the turning point was when I was going through a break up, a big one, a complete life changing break up (ultimately for the better) but at the time I felt extremely alone, you would never have thought it and I would never have admitted it as it was my decision and showing any sign of weakness would have looked like I had made the wrong decision (in my mind) and I knew I hadn't. I just didn't want to feel anything, I wanted to just be able to breathe and to not talk about it, not be judged, I wanted to move forward with my life. I remember being in the house that my ex and I had shared and just wanting to not think about anything, all there was in the house was red wine and I didnt like red wine, but I drank it anyway, I drank the whole bottle, I'd achieved my goal, I was most certainly numb and chilled, it felt good. That became my coping mechanism and still is today (I also love red wine now!!)
It wasnt particularly easy for me to admit, to myself, let alone anyone else, but the truth has finally hit home. I have just had pretty much two weeks solid of drinking, I'd find myself reaching for the gin because I'd had a stressful day at work, going for a wine at lunch because I was pissed off with my husband or popping the prosecco to celebrate my best friends, cousins, sisters, fathers, hamsters beards new job. Whilst I accept that I probably wont give up drinking alcohol altogether, I don't particularly want to, I do need to cut back - A LOT. I want to be in control of my drinking and my emotions, not the other way around.
When I drink, I am constantly tired, feeling snappy, my moods are low and I have zero energy, I don't want to do anything. I either eat crap, yet keep complaining that I can't lose weight! I am my own worst enemy. I drink even when I don't even want to, even when everyone else is having a diet coke, I'll still have a wine, because I am in a pub and that's what I do, its become a very bad habit and I need to take action to break it.
I went on the trusty t'internet and found a great website called ClubSoda which is all about mindful drinking. They have different Facebook groups, which I've listed below, one those who want to cut back, those who are sober there is also an LGBT one, there is something for everyone, the website was really helpful and informative, it's non judgemental and although I hadn't interacted or joined any of the groups I felt a certain sort of comfort that I wasn't alone, I mean that causes the majority of anxiety right? Feeling like you're the only one. There is such a relief in the realisation that someone else understands what we're going through.
I found myself envying these people who can go out and have a good time without necking the wine, this says so much about me and how I feel about myself. There are some situations where I absolutely would not consider going without a drink, the alcohol is my confidence. When I thought about it, I have addressed my anxiety issues and am on medication for the depression, how about I try to actually be myself and not this facade that the drink makes me become? Surely I don't need to drink to have a good time? Surely I'm more than my drunken alter ego? I really hope so.
I also downloaded the drinkaware app (you know I love an app) You can set weekly goals of how much/often/when you drink. I have set my first week up allowing myself alcohol on Thursday, as I have a birthday lunch and a night out and Friday, I don't actually have any plans on Friday but I didn't want to run before I could walk. I've also set myself a limit of units that I can have this week. I wasnt aware that women should only be drinking 14 units per week?! My husband jokingly said "that's a days worth for you!" When I calculated, roughly, what I had last week it was 72 units! And for what? 95% of that was "just because it was there" So my plan is to stick to the 14 units this week, if I happen to drink all of that on Thursday then I will try to refrain from drinking on Friday.
The App is a bit like a myfitnesspal for booze. You type in what units you have and it tells you the following:
Units
Calories
Equivalent minutes running
Equivalent burgers
Money spent
I can't tell you how much better I feel for finally addressing this with myself as I have been in denial for some time.
I have the incentive of my holiday in just over one month. I now just need to find something different to do when I would usually reach for a drink, such as write, so you may be seeing a few more blogs from me in future, I might even get around to writing that book!
I will be posting daily on my Facebook page so you can see how I am getting on.....
https://www.facebook.com/whoami922/
Club Soda Facebook Pages:
